my heart beats for this

it's hard to say how i've felt these last few weeks.
i think i've been putting on a real good act... like i'm thoroughly enjoying this summer.
but if you're around me for any extended period of time... you know.
you know... that i haven't been myself.
and it's been hard for me to figure out why.
this past week though, i've realized some things.

this transition from being a college student to being a graduate is difficult. and this difficulty is magnified when you're surrounded by your friends that will continue to attend school in the fall. yes, i'm a bit jealous. there is a certain safety-net that surrounds college students. not much is expected of you.... but when you graduate there are so many questions. "where are you working? what are you planning on doing? you're staying in muncie? why?" and that's exhausting ... so for you asking questions... yes, i do know what i'm doing. i am staying in muncie. for reasons that most people would shake their head at. i have a family here. a family, and so many untouched hearts in hurting college students that i know God has a plan for me to bring hope to. and yes, i know there isn't much money in that... but please tell me, when was the last time your pay check made you jump for joy or cry happy tears? because i can tell you the job i will be doing will be making me more joyful than words could ever describe.
community is why i will be sticking around. community is what God used to pick my messy heart up as a freshman and make me realize how whole i could truly be. community is what makes desperate, lonely, searching hearts feel at home. and once you've experienced that you know that there isn't true life outside of community. you know that God built your heart for this.
so please, instead of your disappointed looks and sarcastic questions, please ask me with interest what my hopeful future in college ministry will look like. i have countless stories i could tell you... and i will laugh and cry... but it's good to feel this way about something.

"however, community is first of all a quality of the heart. it grows from the spiritual knowledge that we are alive not for ourselves but for one another. community is the fruit of our capacity to make the interests of others more important than our own. the question, therefore, is not 'how can we make community?' but 'how can we develop and nurture giving hearts?' "
-henri nouwen