i walked in the rain today.
and although it was chilly, i found myself comforted.
it reminded me of camp this summer.
and surprisingly enough i was longing for it.
funny how you can want to go back to something that while you were there you just wanted to be home.
i've found myself in lots of situations like that recently.
my heart is just feeling antsy.
i talked to a friend about it yesterday, our hearts are both feeling similar things.
i feel comfortable where i'm at...very comfortable.
and sometimes that scares me.
i want to be in a place where i'm pushed to do, think and feel things that take me outside of my box, my comfort zone and make me grow.
i'm not feeling that right now. it makes my heart sad.i don't want to stay the person i am right now. am i where i'm supposed to be?
at church on sunday neil talked about having courage...funny how his past few messages seem like they're speaking right to me.
i'm sick of God shouting at me. i know there are things i need to say, things i should tell people, the unknown just leaves me frightened. but that's where sunday's message hit me....i need to use some of this courage God has for me to use...
gah...
i need a few boosts of encouragement today.
the coffee isn't sustaining me.
today has been ridiculous, and i would love to be able to go home for the weekend.
but...i cannot.
having a job is lovely and all ... but honestly i could do without it.
i would just like to have a couple days to pull the reins back in and calm my heart.
i am in severe need of some quality God time.
i feel like all my time this week has been soaked up by some huge monster sponge.
i feel like i never get to see the people i love, and when i do see them i'm so frazzled from being busy all day that all i do is bitch at them.
not cool...not cool.
i am in need of some family lovin'...shoot even spring hill lovin' would be grand right now.
...........
well there you go.
that's how i feel today.
selfish as you can see...and whiney.
there ya go. it could only get better, right?
today i was able to have dinner with my very best friend.
and i am so thankful.
i haven't laughed til there were tears in way too long.
i love finding new aspects of Christ just through our conversations.
seriously, this evening has brightened my whole week...
and it's been a pretty bleak one.
gah!
i need to get out more.
and maybe a chance needs to be taken once in a while...
maybe change won't be such a bad thing...
i feel as if i've been distracted this entire week.
my heart and head are scatterred and it's preventing me from completing my schoolwork as well as i could be.
but in the grand scheme of things...schoolwork is of minimal importance.
you may not agree. but that is how i feel right now.
i am physically here at school, but i don't feel like my heart is in it. and i just don't know what to make of that.
last weekend was lovely.
if everyday of my week was as relaxing as this weekend was i would be perfectly content.
i spent the majority of my day on saturday with my mom and sister and i grow more and more appreciative of them everyday. they make sense to me. i don't have to continually worry about how they really feel about me and being with them seems to recharge me. i wish i had someone here at school with me that was like that.
i also got to spend time this weekend with my dearest friend bekah brown. i wish everyone was as understanding/encouraging/graceful as she is with me. it always seems as if we're struggling with the exact same things whenever we get together.
i am so thankful for friendships that i can just sit and be with someone, without pointless words and small talk.
right now i feel like God is trying to pull me into something that is out of my control and i am being resistant. if i take the step i feel like He wants me to take a whole lot could change and i would have to say some things that have been spinning around in my head for months now. i know that in Christ i have strength but everything about this situation scares me.
gah.
this is hard. life is taking some turns....
i thought that i liked change, now i'm not so sure.
one of my favorite things about people is those times ... sometimes few and far between... that you see them act out who they really are when they think no one is looking...it gives me hope that we haven't all tried to grow up too fast.
this weekend i ventured to chicago with some good friends to take part in the renegade craft fair. and even though it rained all of saturday (and basically all weekend) this weekend trip far exceeded my expectations. i experienced and witnessed more joy in those two days than i have in a while. my heart is waking up again.
the trip back home threw us for a bit of a loop. what should've been a 3-4 hour trip took roughly 8 hours. we left at 2:30ish and got back to muncie at 10:30ish. thankfully the drive back was enjoyable...i wish all of my weekends were filled with experiences like this.
today i realized how much i love tuesdays.
not having class til 2 provides much time for relaxation...and oatmeal!!!!
chelsea and i ventured to the great beyond known as lafollette to enjoy some good ol' buffet breakfast and just to let you in on a little secret, they have some quality oatmeal over there.
nothing like hot breakfast cereal to start the day off right.
i've recently been conditioning myself to enjoy talking on the phone...i've kind of hated talking on the phone for a while now but i'm trying to grow out of it.
today i realized how much i love voicemails though. they're like a hidden treasure at the end of a long class.
the roommate and i have been spending the last few days brushing up on some freaks and geeks.
if you've never had the pleasure of witnessing the glory of this short-lived tv show i implore you to please do yourself a favor and check it out.
i have a bit of a crush...bill haverchuck is such a dreamboat.
mmmmmhhhmmm.
there are things on my mind right now that are successfully preventing me from being able to concentrate on a paper that needs to be completed. my heart has felt heavy for the past few weeks and it's beginning to drain me. the heaviness, though, is not so much a gloomy sort of heavy, it's more weighed down by the possiblities of the coming year and things that God is planning to stretch in me. it's scary to think of sometimes but thoughts of what could be often bring a smile to my face.
i've recently found myself becoming somewhat antisocial and i'm not quite sure what that's all about. i love people and hearing their stories and making new friends but i find myself being content with being alone. i don't think that it's so much a desire to have alone time, i think it's more me thinking that i should spare people the trouble of getting to know me because i'm not truly that interesting anyways. Either way...
i'm sitting upon my bed which is conveniently positioned in such a way that is prime for people watching, usually i find this to be quite enjoyable...people are funny sometimes, but i just watched someone litter and it made my heart ache a bit. there is a trash can a mere 4 yards away...oh well.
today marks a month until my 20th birthday, mildly exciting, right?