whispers of something else...

one thing that i greatly appreciate about my job.... it's brought me to a place where i have a deep appreciation for my days off...
my days off may look a bit different than most other people's.
whereas most people enjoy a good sleepin'-in... i prefer to savor my mornings.. so yes, i could stay in bed until noon, but i'd much rather wake up early... and give myself time to collect my thoughts, eat breakfast with my roommate and enjoy not being at work so early.
i am also growing to realize that God has been moving in my heart and head so much on my days off.
actually giving myself the time and space to think about life, and where i am in the midst of it has done wonders for my heart. these are moments and days when God whispers to me about the passions that stir my heart... and today is no different.
something you should know about me is that if you would've asked me 3 years ago i would've told you that i don't like kids. that they terrify me, and that i don't really plan on having them...
then i became part of a thriving community here in muncie and saw healthy families in every day life and realized that there are so many parts of my heart that desire nothing more than to be a mom.... but don't tell anyone... i'm still growing and learning about this part of me.. because it surprised me too.
but today.. and in the past year i have desired so much to be a mom. to see how God could extend grace to a community through my family like has happened in my own life. i want to be a part of opening peoples' eyes to see that healthy and loving families do exist. it is possible to live in a family that acts out the grace that God extends to us daily. i desire to adopt and be part of God's redemption in the heart of a child that may have felt cast out.
just talking about this gives me all kinds of goosebumps...
so you see.. God is constantly growing and changing..
you just have to give Him the time and room to whisper to you...

that's all i really need to say...

this has been an interesting week... to say the least.
two of my dear friends have been in the middle of the worst week of their lives.
it's hard to imagine what it must feel like to have your three week old baby girl in a struggle for her life. a struggle that you in no way can fix. i can't imagine the guilt and insecurities that rear their ugly little heads when a situation like this explodes. my dear friends carl & carolyn have been in the hospital with their 3-week old baby girl this week. this sweet baby girl has meningitis, and in this struggle that not even the most loving, knowledgeable, gifted parent can fix.
it's crazy though what can stem from events like this. this darling little girl, this beautiful baby has brought together the church (specifically in my little muncie community) together in an amazing way. it's crazy how God answers prayer. it's crazy how he knows us and loves us so much better than anyone ever could.
and through all this... this week of uncertainty, terror, tears and pain i have been learning so much. this little baby girl and my Jesus are teaching my heart so much. i have learned and experienced the beauty of community in crisis. seen the rising up of gifts and love when they are needed most. the beauty of hearts that are fighting for love. i am learning the importance of praying continually, and experiencing how truly life-giving it is... not only for this sick little girl... but this dead, hard heart in my chest. i am thankful... so thankful... for the tears in my eyes... the pain in my chest... the hands i can hold... the prayers that are sometimes more screamed and cried than peacefully said. God knows our hearts... can hear our tearful moans and mumbles perfectly... and for that.. for that i will say my God is perfect. my God is greater than the muck of this world we are in. thank God....
thank God....
that's all i can say these days it seems like..
but of course....
that's all i really need to say.

i think zoos make me a little sad.
the gorillas always look pissed...
the lions just wanna be playful...
the elephants just want to throw peanuts at everyone...(right)
and if i've learned anything from my studies (a.k.a. watching the movie "madagascar")
they all really just want to be let free...
i was just reading a post from one of my favorite bloggers about her family's trip to the zoo ...
and as cute as all that is.... the animals just look so sad.

but seriously...they're so cute... lookin' like little kittens ...
http://taza-and-husband.blogspot.com/

crack in the vase.

i'm broken.
some days that is much more obvious than others.
i hate the way my heart feels when i know that i've messed up.
i hate knowing that i've failed.
i hate feeling like i've let people down... especially those that i love so much...
i hate knowing that i'm so far from perfect.

but even all these things are good.
because i know that God knows these things about me.
He knows these things and doesn't see them.
He knows we're shipwrecks...
and that's why He's given us each other...
today my friends are a clear picture of God's grace.

thank God.....

dreams...

some things you should know about me...

• i love my job
• i love getting to interact with so many people every day
• i love that my major (hospitality & food management) fit me perfectly
• i love providing people with one of their most basic needs
• i hope that i will be involved with hospitality & food production for the rest of my life
• there isn't much that brings me more joy than baking a plate of cookies for beautiful people
• i very much hope that someday i can do this with my church... open a bakery, that is.

these are all things that i dream about... things that float through my head all the time..
what kind of dreams do you have?
what kind of gifts did God give you that make you all sorts of passionate?
don't forget these dreams that you once got misty-eyed over... God placed those dreams in your heart and head for a reason.

my heart beats for this

it's hard to say how i've felt these last few weeks.
i think i've been putting on a real good act... like i'm thoroughly enjoying this summer.
but if you're around me for any extended period of time... you know.
you know... that i haven't been myself.
and it's been hard for me to figure out why.
this past week though, i've realized some things.

this transition from being a college student to being a graduate is difficult. and this difficulty is magnified when you're surrounded by your friends that will continue to attend school in the fall. yes, i'm a bit jealous. there is a certain safety-net that surrounds college students. not much is expected of you.... but when you graduate there are so many questions. "where are you working? what are you planning on doing? you're staying in muncie? why?" and that's exhausting ... so for you asking questions... yes, i do know what i'm doing. i am staying in muncie. for reasons that most people would shake their head at. i have a family here. a family, and so many untouched hearts in hurting college students that i know God has a plan for me to bring hope to. and yes, i know there isn't much money in that... but please tell me, when was the last time your pay check made you jump for joy or cry happy tears? because i can tell you the job i will be doing will be making me more joyful than words could ever describe.
community is why i will be sticking around. community is what God used to pick my messy heart up as a freshman and make me realize how whole i could truly be. community is what makes desperate, lonely, searching hearts feel at home. and once you've experienced that you know that there isn't true life outside of community. you know that God built your heart for this.
so please, instead of your disappointed looks and sarcastic questions, please ask me with interest what my hopeful future in college ministry will look like. i have countless stories i could tell you... and i will laugh and cry... but it's good to feel this way about something.

"however, community is first of all a quality of the heart. it grows from the spiritual knowledge that we are alive not for ourselves but for one another. community is the fruit of our capacity to make the interests of others more important than our own. the question, therefore, is not 'how can we make community?' but 'how can we develop and nurture giving hearts?' "
-henri nouwen

so i said i'd blog more...
i haven't done a great job of that...
i'll try and get my act together :)
my heart is adjusting i think.
the past two summers i've spent in Virginia Beach, living a summer fully dedicated to Jesus and the Gospel....
the adjustment comes in the fact that i haven't made that transition to the place where my heart feels most at home during the summer...
i'm not surrounded by new friends at the beach...
i'm not holding hands with my dearest friend Karin...
but God is preparing me for something....
for bigger transitions...
and He has so much to teach me this summer...
and i think i'm excited about that... i think...

oh... nice to see you again

...i haven't blogged in a while.
mostly because it was hard for me to gather the encouraging words that i usually fill my posts with.
this semester was ridiculous....
ridiculously stressful.
i cried more this semester than i probably have in my entire life...
but i've grown.... and i know that.
God is good... and my heart is still enthralled with his love and his continual pursuit of me..
i don't have much to say right now...
other than ... i have the summer before me...
and that is almost too much potential for me to handle...
so far it's been perfect... despite the waking up at 5:10am the past two days (and the rest of the summer) to go to work..
but do you wanna know a secret... i think i might love my job...
keep in mind it is day 2...
but with so many of my favorite things combined it's hard to believe that i will get too tired of it...
my goal this summer is to blog more...
we'll see where that goal takes me...

this is the good word today....and everyday...

today... didn't really start out that great.

my heart didn't feel all that wonderful.

i didn't feel like myself, and i couldn't seem to get a real smile on my face.

if you know me, that isn't a normal occurrence.

i knew that i needed something...

and of course that something was some alone time with my Jesus.

i haven't been very good this week about stepping away from the busy-ness of my life.

but today opened up, and so Jesus and I had a little coffee date.

and my heart felt alive again.

it's funny how my heart can so quickly be overflowing when only a few hours earlier it had felt all dried up... so thank God....

it really was only from him...

so here is a little something of how my heart is feeling...

"on your feet now - applaud God!

bring a gift of laughter, sing yourselves into his presence.

know this: God is God, and God, God!

He made us; we didn't make him.

we're his people, his well-tended sheep.

enter with the password: 'thank you!'

make yourselves at home, talking praise

thank him! worship him!

for God is sheer beauty,

all-generous in love,

loyal always and ever."

psalm 100 (the message)

confessions...

i do enjoy a diet coke every once in a while. silly carbonation...

i love wasting time with my dear friend ashley...

i just want to create all day... and not do my school work.

i love people.... and the people around me give me butterflies...

muncie, indiana has stolen my heart, and when people laugh about staying in muncie after graduation i get kinda angry...

i love spicy foods...like make your nose run and eyes water spicy...

i enjoy a good beer...wanna enjoy one together someday?

i'm attempting to memorize more scripture...attempting....

i love the winter...or at least this week.

the kitchen is calling my name...

something you should know about me:

these last couple days of wintry weather have made me want to spend most of my time in the kitchen...

yesterday, i looked forward to making homemade chili and cornbread all day.

and then i got to share it with some of the people that are dearest to me...

what shall i make today?

from: The Nesting Project

i'm thinking these heart shaped biscuits would be lovely...

all of this to say...

it is hard for me to not dream of what my kitchen will look like some day.

bright colors, chalkboard paint, so many cook books, aprons...

the list could go on and on...

but we should stop because you're gonna lose me in dreamland...

so on this very cold, yucky day how are you going to be caring for those around you?

making some heart-shaped biscuits? washing some dishes? making some hot chocolate?

cuddling with them?

whatever it is... make sure the ones you live with know that you love them...

and i you..

and i love you....

from: LoveSugar

some days my heart gets a little kick in the pants...

some days i find that there are some points that i don't trust community with...

and that isn't fair...

if i expect the people i call my friends and family to entrust me with their deepest hurts, desires and insecurities i should trust them with mine...

so i am broken...

but i'm trying to learn and grow and be better...

thankfully God is full of second, third and fourth chances...

He knows how messy my life is, and thankfully still loves me ...

oh that I could learn to be like Him...

just know that I am trying each day, and it gets a little more difficult each day...

"When it comes to friendships, I experience a curious combination of respect and fear. I respect people simply because they are human beings. But I also respect them for what God has done in them - who He has made them to be. If God cared enough to make that person, to have a call on their life, to weep when they weep, then who am I to not care?"

- John M. Perkins, "Follow Me To Freedom"

snow love.

so i here there's some fierce weather coming this way...

and when i hear news surrounding the news i try to ignore it, because i never want to get my hopes up about professors cancelling classes...

but i just got an e-mail from my boss and said that the event i was scheduled to work wednesday at 7:30am got cancelled!!!!

and you know why.... because of this inclement weather we're supposed to be getting!!!

WA-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

i love my job, but 3 days in a row of having to be up before 7am.... that's not exactly something i get super excited about.

i do love me some snow though.

i love it because it usually gives me an excuse to chill inside all day with some tea and read....

and i pray that this week has a morning full of just that.

senior citizens...

my friend meredith and i are basically two old women...

on any given day if we are hanging out we would most likely prefer drinking some hot tea, eating oatmeal, talking about making quilts or walking around hobby lobby...

God made us so similar... we often joke about being the same person.

and i love her...

so much...

funny thing we've only been friends for a little over a year
(we actually had a 1 year anniversary of being friends date last week where we bought each other coffee and bright colored tights)

and although i've only known her for a short time, i consider her my closest friend.

she is darling....and would be embarrassed if she knew i was talking this much about her..

so i'm going to get to what i was actually going to talk about.

quilting.

one of meredith and i's goals for the semester is to make a quilt.

but we are terrible at making decisions.

i keep going back and forth over what i want my quilt to look like....but i think i've finally decided....

it will be a simple pattern with hexagons...

and a combination of navy blue, sky blue and oranges...

now i actually have to just decide on some fabric and start sewing....

mmmm i'm excited.

i need you.

there are some days when i'm ridiculously thankful for those around me.

recently my heart has been real insecure and my friends have been building me up like crazy...

somehow satan still seems to weasel his way in...

barf...

but i read this the other day and i thought it was pretty neat...

"be prepared. you're up against far more than you can handle on your own. take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. learn how to apply them. you'll need them throughout your life. God's word is an indispensable weapon. in the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. pray hard and long. pray for your brothers and sisters. keep your eyes open. keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out."
ephesians 6: 13-18 (the message)

so hey guys... we need each other... just so you know

don't mind me...just drinking my mint tea...

so... i originally hated the idea of 8 a.m. classes.

but i'm beginning to love the fact that i get up so early...

leaving the day full with so much more time and possibilities.

not that i've been productive today, well kind of.

class, work out, shower, a bit of laughter with the lovely people in my house.

for lunch i just ate 2 pancakes... and a side of peas and black beans with marinara and cheese...

yes, a ridiculous meal, i agree.

but i need me some veggies and fiber.

so now i'm sitting here, with some time before my next class.

i'm going to have a quiet time with my Jesus, which my heart desperately needs

...as soon as i stop being distracted by this jewel of the internet.

CRAFT GAWKER!!!!

please check it out, it's addicting.

so here we go...i leave you with the rest of the day.

what will you fill your day with?

i hope it's wonderful, and refreshing for your heart.

p.s.....here's just a quick bit of what i just read... it kinda got my heart all excited..

"Christians were never meant to be normal. We've always been troublemakers, we've always been creators of uncertainty, agents of a dimension that's incompatible with the status quo: we do not accept the world as it is." -Jacque Ellul

i really do love little bits like this that make me re-evaluate how i see the world i am living in.

a few letters on a thursday....

dear natural jif creamy peanut butter,

you are one of the greatest things that has ever happened to my taste buds. i am eating you on a slice of whole wheat bread right now...tremendous.

dear shakira,

zumba made me love you....and i just can't stop.

dear blank t-shirt,

i promise i will embroider you soon....for some reason i just keep finding other things that seem to be taking priority over you...lame.

dear ukulele,

i promise some day soon i will again play you.... i may be rusty...but it'll happen.

dear snow,

i don't care what all the haters say, i think you are absolutely beautiful.

dear muncie,

i think you have so much potential that i'll stick around after i graduate.... you have camped out a special place in my heart.

dear ashley,

thanks for laughing with me and keeping me accountable to not spend money on coffee. i think living with you would be positively supreme.

dear beans and rice,

i could eat you for every meal

dear david,

i love laughing at 'modern family' with you. you make me all giggly .... thanks for convincing me to stick around your place for a while this afternoon. yeah, i love you.

dear meredith,

lets grow old together...

dear VT loves,

i very much wish that i could hug you right now.... there are some days when i just want to run away to blacksburg and have a great big sleepover. my heart needs you, and you are all such a great picture of God's grace in my life.

we are made to love and to be loved

yes, i enjoy listening to bruno mars.

music elitists.....feel free to judge me.... i just can't help myself...

that being said...let's move on.

despite the treacherous icy conditions outside my day has been wonderful..

i started off the day by bringing my dear david breakfast. he wasn't feeling well last night and couldn't fight the urge to check up on him this morning.... i love my boyfriend...just something you should know about me. and if you're around me long enough you'll probably get annoyed with how much he comes up in conversation...i just thin

k he's pretty rad.

i then got to share breakfast with my beautiful friend meredith. we had baked apples in our oatmeal and peppermint hot chocolate. the people in my life are such a clear picture of God's grace in my life. meredith, for example, is one of the most patient people i know. she has one of the most level-heads and is so great at communication...uggg i think she is positively splendid.

we spent our morning giggling over how adorable our new favorite blog is..

please check it out...

teamboo2000.blogspot.com

blogs like this make me want to get school over with already...

so that i can become a stay-at-home mom sooner....

how adorable is their family.... for real.

the rest of my day is filled with some much needed time with beth...

some random homework....

taco night with david....

and hanging out with some great people from the Revolution downtown...

God is good today....and He is making my heart more and more grateful each day....

mmmm flannel bed sheets

i feel like in the past few weeks my heart has been challenged with some pretty difficult stuff...

but God has been gentle...

and the difficulties don't seem so difficult in the lens of community.

i'm trying to learn more about leadership..

because it feels like often there is pride in my leadership efforts...

my heart needed some humbling...

but again, God has been gentle...

and I don't know why that surprised me?

maybe because I can so easily be coarse and almost hurtful when i think it's my place to teach something...

but it turns out that you shouldn't force your own flaws onto God...

because He most definitely does not look like my flaws...

and for that I am thankful...

recently I've been reading a book that is co-authored by shane claiborne and john m. perkins.

it's a book about leadership and followership (yeah, i'm aware that's not a word)..

it's a really great picture of the importance of being a leader by first being a follower...

and it's been pretty outstanding so far... here's a taste:

"When folks share our demons, our struggles and our pain, they also will want to share our hope"

-john m. perkins

it's a friday and i have no responsibility until noon...

i wish my relationship with this blog wasn't so flippant...

i seem to forget about it most of the time

i guess that's just something else i need to work on.

so hey it's a new year, i know that's a statement that's about 14 days late, but i'm still writing my dates wrong so evidently i still need some convincing.

with new years come new resolutions

this is usually a tradition that i ignore

this year though, my best friend and i sat down and each wrote out 22 goals/resolutions for our 22nd year...

mine look a little something like this

1. sew more

2. send more snail mail

3. work on my relationship with my dad

4. take pictures with my film camera and keep some real photo albums instead of facebook albums

5. help my mom set up an etsy account

6. make up my own recipe

7. hang out with my friend beth every week

8. send more notes of encouragement to people

9. memorize some scripture

10. set up a budget

11. actually start a "book club"

12. be better about having intentional, authentic conversation and not just superficial small-talk

13. be more creative about the time that my boyfriend and i spend together, you can only watch so much hulu

14. be proactive about internship stuff

15. work at soup kitchen more

16. go on a roadtrip

17. do a different creative project every month

18. get another tattoo

19. visit my best friend at her school

20. talk to strangers

21. have daily quiet times

22. have 6 extended quiet times- at least 3 hours

bonus: make more lists...

its funny....

but even writing these things down has made me think about them more...

maybe you should think about making a list, eh?