there's a place...a place where i picture myself

days like today make me so weary of living in the country.
it's beautiful, at times, don't get me wrong. i just don't think that i feel at home here, anymore anyways. i so badly want to be surrounded by people. where i can see life going on around me, and be reassured once again that there is life outside of this small town. muncie would even be enough for me right now. i'm in that stage of break where i'm so ready to be back at school.

but i know i should be enjoying break. i just wish i could come up with something to do that kept my mind from sleeping that didn't involve me needing a vehicle to get there. ah well. there's always tomorrow, right?
but what about today? today still has potential...am i just ignoring it?

quadratic formula

rainy. rainy with a high near 60.
what a strange day for december.
as i sit here watching "you've got mail" with my beautiful mother and sister i am still finding this weather so strange. especially when i'm still finding myself to be a bit brooding over the Christmas that wasn't white. awww well. it was still a great Christmas.

but back to the movie. i do not think that i could ever truly become sick of "you've got mail". it's just too charming. although i've never been to new york, this movie made me fall in love with it. oh i can only hope to see this city, so beautifully depicted before my eyes, in person some day.

i made pita bread today. i was a bit leary about how they would turn out, but oh my word, they were something else. warm homemade pita with hummus, what a lovely, perfect dish for a strange december day. i've been cooking/baking a lot since i've been home for break and it's been just wonderful. oh ... you don't even know how happy it makes me.
speaking of my love for cooking, i got some of the greatest gifts for christmas. i guess they weren't really christmas gifts, one of my great uncles had gone to an auction and someone basically gave him a box of stuff that he didn't really need, and in turn he gave this box of stuff to my mother. he had found out that i am living in a house next year at school and that i would be needing various, you know, home stuff. and you will never believe the treasures that were in this mystery box. the usual quirky bowls and plates, and then the goldmine! a vintage grass green double boiler and an owl napkin holder. i wish you could see them, they're better than anything i could've ever purchased in any home interiors store.

on that note, i must go and continue to watch this delightful movie. i hope your christmas was everything you wanted it to be and more. LOVE.

i think that i wish i was a more interesting person.
i wish that i was more of a conversationalist, and that the things i do let myself say wouldn't make me seem so dull.
i've found that when i'm around the people that i want to get to know the very most, the people that i'm most intrigued by i shut myself up for fear that i'm not interesting enough for them.
i wish i could tell some people how intrigued i am by them.
how badly i want to just sit and share a day with them. get to know them.
why are some things so easy to say, but so very hard to do?

i am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images...

it's wednesday.
i'm not real sure how significant that statement is. it just merely means that there are only about 9 days left until christmas break. my heart skips a beat just thinking about it. i, just like most other students, have crossed into a distracted frame of mind, beginning to care very little about finals as my mind is in a scramble. A scramble to finish Christmas gifts for my friends and tie up some loose ends.
other than having to work the next couple days this week has and will continue to be lovely. monday night i hung out with some of my closest friends, and it's been a long time since i've felt that "at home" in muncie. smoking hookah, watching ice age and laughing with them started my week off right. i am so thankful for their hearts and smiles and the way they all make my heart feel.
tuesday, as usual, was lovely. this semester i was fortunate enough to not have class until 2pm on tuesdays and thursdays. ahh yes, and next semester will be full of the same. this means at least once a week i am guaranteed a day where i'm able to watch martha stewart. yes, i know, she may be a heartless, unfeeling, emotionless human being but she talks about baking and being crafty, two of my very favorite things. well this tuesday rufus wainwright was a guest on the show, along with his mother and they were making cookies, a wainwright family recipe. all i have to say is he has one of the most contagious giggles. either way, it was great.

i must go for now, but i promise if you watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_RfCEPqbK4 you will not regret it.
LOVE

we're just...

my roommate and i are just a bunch of bums. tuesdays are relatively lazy days for me, when i don't have to work in the morning. not having class until 2pm usually leaves me with a nice chunk of time to do whatever needs done. this can be anything from watching martha stewart, to running, to i don't know...maybe homework every once in a while. when it absolutely must be done. today it was a mixture of all of the above. i had a paper that was due at 5:30 this evening, and honestly it was only by the grace of God that it was completed in time. i'm not quite sure how he does it but he always works things out, incredible.
back to our bum status...i get back to the room at around 8ish after running for roughly 45 minutes...and i get right down to completing this paper. the roommate gets up at like 9:45ish so i can finally listen to music..today it was a collection of iron & wine. it just calms me, i think it's samuel beam's beard...it does a number with me. mmmm...just thinking about it.
either way...in the closing scene of twilight, possibly the only redeeming quality of the movie except for the laughter it filled my body with, iron & wine's "flightless bird, american mouth" plays. it's quite lovely really. and i can't stop listening to it.
my roommate took a "real simple" magazine from her mom for me this weekend. so exciting, because 1.) i didn't have to pay for it and 2.) who doesn't get excited about real simple?

p.s. i'm listening to "flightless bird, american mouth" right now, i know ... call me ridiculous, i just love it.

i've got the end of holiday break blues.
upon my arrival right back here at the lovely ball state i could physically feel the dread creeping in.
the dread that comes with the realization that i have much more to do than i had earlier recalled. it's been a while since i've felt this overwhelmed. it's a bit ridiculous. it's times like these where the stress from pointless assignments drives me to believe that dropping out wouldn't truly be such a bad thing. i know, silly me again. you're probably tired of reading these posts that seem to blur together with the same message over and over again. i promise i'm a much more positive person than it seems. i guess when i get to the point where negativity becomes the dominant feeling in my outlook i need to think about how great the past few days have been.
i love thanksgiving break. this one seemed to be especially great. anything starting with a dinner at panera couldn't be awful, i mean really. just being with my family gives me a case of the smiles. i just need to keep reminding myself that christmas break is only three weeks away.
one of my closest friends got married this weekend. it's strange to think about, sometimes i feel like we're still in high school...it just seems like we're playing house. sadly, this game of house is taking them to virginia...and who knows when i'll see her again. ah well...at least the next time we're together we'll be full of stories to tell, right?....i hope so.....

i am, i am ....more than you think i am.

today is rainy. rainy, dreary and chilly.
thankfully my first two classes were cancelled...and i took it upon myself to deem my econ class cancelled, the cost benefit analysis completed, i decided it just was not worth venturing out into the muck to spend 50 minutes in a class that brings me no joy.

so instead, i ate stir fry with chopsticks and watched the travel channel.
i watched a show on various doughnut shops across the u.s.
personally, i do not like doughnuts. but the completed product of a well-made pastry is always a lovely sight to behold.
and it filled me with excitement, for this is what i want to spend my life doing.
spreading the joy of pastries, baked goods and beverage to my friends...strangers...anyone really.
it's when thoughts and dreams like these fill my head that i believe spending time in classes isn't really worth it...
but i know it really is...either way...

my heart...it's curious.

it's snowing today. nothing that will stick, but it is snow nonetheless. it happens, every year, but as much as i don't like cold weather, this precipitation excite me. because this means that christmas time is just around the corner...probably my favorite time of year. it means i should start making christmas gifts for people, i have all these great creations in mind...i cannot wait to hand my family and friends their gifts that were made especially for them. and not to mention all the baking i get to do!!! oooo...if you only knew how happy this made me...

along with this excitement though comes some mixed feelings, specifically antsy, unsure of things i need/should say. unfortunately last night i decided to watch "love actually" and it's just got me confronting all these silly feelings i've had for so long. actually no, i cannot blame it on the movie, unfortunately the majority of things remind me of these feelings. it drives me crazy. is it even possible to feel this strongly for someone that you barely know...but everytime you come into contact with them it lights you up like no one else ever has. this is sooo dumb. i really want to move on, but every guy i meet is compared to this "perfect" way that i want you to be. i wish this wasn't so tough, silly christmas, making me feel like i need to be honest.

ohh...it is love.

this may be a premature assumption, but i may very well be in love.

there i was just minding my own business...and what do i see upon my computer screen but two lovely men...

and what, you may ask, is so appealing about them...

ah yes, i was hoping you were curious, because you see...they opened a bakery.

and it's adorable. and i would very much enjoy to go see it...

here's a picture for you to ooohhh and ahhhh over.

it's ok. you can fall in love too.

check them out at: http://bakednyc.com/

a new week has started.
and i can't help but feel like i've been wasting time sitting inside doing homework.
gah. i do not believe that i lived this day to it's full potential.
ah well...tomorrow holds the promise of another chance.

i did my dishes today, they've been piling up for nearly 2 weeks.
i know, disgusting, judge me if you wish.
but at least now they are clean.
i am listening to noah and the whale right now, and oh how they make my heart beat more rapidly than normal.
i don't know what it is about them...maybe they fact that their music sounds like how i picture the thoughts going through my head may very well sound like. (does that make sense?)
it does to me....or maybe it's the fact that they're music poses the perfect backdrop for how i'd like to picture my life going in the next couple years, silly, i know.
i just found a recipe that i cannot wait to try...fork-crushed purple majesty potatoes.
you should see the picture of the finished project, such a brilliant purple..hmmm...maybe i'll go to the grocery and buy some purple potatoes this week?

"i love the way that you're always surprised
oh, to find truth in all my lies
'cos you trust me and ignore my disguise
oh, it comforts me"

it's wednesday, and what a beautiful wednesday it is.
despite the biting cold air, the sun is shining and mittens are being worn.
well...not right now, mittens make it somewhat difficult to type, regardles...

this week has been refreshing so far.
i just finished a book called "the shack" this morning and it's been encouragement that i've very much needed...it's spurring me on anyways.
it further stirred the desire in me to be more like Christ. it painted such a beautiful picture of my Savior, his true desire for us, his dismay with institutions and how real he truly is....
i pray that i will daily become more like Christ, knowing that my mistakes will only bring us closer together...
eek....thank God for mercy and grace.

...on another note.
i walked into my room after my first three class this morning with a wrapped package on my desk chair...
my roommate gave me a late birthday gift!!!
i don't know about you, but i think late birthday gifts are such a joy, they're like an extension of the excitement of a birthday.
and you'll never guess what the gift was...The ReadyMade book on how to make {almost} everything!!!
this book is going to set me up for quite an adventure, so many things that i can make for my house/apartment next year!!! eekkkkk!!!!

well, i must go. econ is calling my name (although i would prefer to ignore it)
so get out...enjoy this day, silly!

"you're nobody till somebody loves you...
...you're nobody till somebody cares..."

i've been on a bit of a frank sinatra-dean martin kick lately...
thank you, arin.
listening to frank and dean's dreamlike voices makes me long for christmas-time.
their's is perfect cuddling music...give me a fireplace and i'll be quite content.

i had oatmeal for breakfast this morning...glorious.
it made me a little weary for home though, because i like to eat oatmeal, or any breakfast food really, with my mother.
we're both morning people....my mother is lovely.
you should meet her, really. i think you'd like her too...

it's beautiful and sunny today...and i just realized that my blinds are closed...with the lights in my room on. what a waste!
i'm going to fix that....
done and done.

i need to find a lid for my saucepan.
yesterday i was making chai and i had to borrow an unknown person's pan to cover the pan.
hmm...i should get on that.
my roommate and i are going to make some pumpkin bread this week. yay.
i've recently been purchasing a few kitchen necessities here and there...in excitement of having my own kitchen to cook in next year. eek!

oh my word...it's thursday!!! eek!

i'm quite excited to be venturing home today, i know i spoke of my excitement in my prior post...but i just wanted to take this opportunity to remind you.

i got out of work early today because there was nothing left to do...my boss was probably a little shocked at my excitement and exclaiming, "that's fabulous!!"

despite the dreariness that meets your eyes when you glance out the window...i feel it...it's gonna be a good day.

i've found myself quite distracted this week.

not with the normal emotional toil that i put myself through, but with baking.

i've been finding so many new baking blogs and new recipes...i'm overflowing!!!

i cannot wait to try them all out....people just don't seem to understand my excitement when i giggle over seeing a beautifully decorated cupcake or fabulously random combination of a cookie.

thoughts have even been rushing through my head along the lines of ...maybe i could just drop out of school and open my bakery now...you see it just poses a problem when i want to bake all these things and i don't want to eat them...because as much as i love to bake, i don't truly enjoy eating the baked goods, i just love sharing them with others...oofff...i just get so excited when i think of all the possibilities...

let me just share with you some of the recipes i'm intrigued by:

zucchini, cranberry, walnut & white chip cookies

vegan gingerbread muffins

bailey's irish cream cupcakes

pomegranate-green tea cupcakes

pink lemonade frosting...

baking ... it brings me so much joy... i think it may be my spiritual gift, and a way that i worship my creator. he's given me this passion for baking...and i can share it with others, while sharing conversations and walking through life with them...so many images of future dreams pop into my head when i think of baking...and someday having my own bakery...

if you ever need a pick-me-up in the form of a cupcake, muffin, cookie, or just licking the batter out of the bowl..let me know, we can spend an afternoon together...baking

...with some hands to hold...

so...right about now i should be working on ... more like completing a paper that is due in my social work 100 class this evening. with nearly one whole page completed....i seem to be losing momentum. so i thought that doing some writing that i actually enjoy may once again spark my interest in finishing my paper...we'll see how this goes.

i'm sitting in the library, and despite the fact that i don't often make the venture over here to complete my homework, i very much enjoy sitting around in here. i may need to make a habit out of this. plus the cafe here in the library has some pretty decent coffee...always a plus...even though they no longer take the free tall beverage coupons...but that's a different story for a different day.

fall break is this weekend, and i am soooo ready for thursday afternoon to be here. i haven't been home since school started and i miss it. quite a bit more than i expected. i miss my grandparents...surprising as it may sound... i've recently decided that i need to truly get to know them better. you never know how much longer you have with someone you love and they have so many stories, so much experience that i want to soak up...i'm truly sorry for being distant and somewhat uniterested in them in the past couple years.

with fall break also comes time spent with friends. people that i can bounce my thoughts and ideas off of. God has blessed me with some of the greatest people in my life and i would just like to take this opportunity to say I really love you guys and I hope that my actions and words show that.

most importantly, this weekend i will get to hang out with my mom, brother and sister. it excites me to think of the shenanigans we will get into. eek. how lovely.

ultimately this weekend will be spent enjoying fall and it's chill that welcomes coffee, tea and some time by a fireplace.

when the stars go blue...

so this thursday my brother took me to a ryan adams concert at the murat in indianapolis.

quite possibly the best birthday gift i will receive this year, or ever for that matter.

i think my brother has a gift for knowing exactly what to give someone.

although ryan adams is one of my favorite musicians, it has been a while since i've really listened to his music...i was re-awakened to ryan's musical genius...and my heart is still ringing from his performance.

it was lovely...i am still a bit saddened by the fact that he didn't whip out a harmonica...but no matter, it was still great.

i've recently been in a mood to cook and bake.

i've been drifting through amazon.com looking through the vast amounts of cookbooks that one could purchase...

it makes me so happy...thinking about baking.

i get so excited thinking about when i'll have a kitchen of my own and i can just bake and cook for everyone that i love...it'll be great...

but for now...i'll just have to settle with the lovely kitchenette here in my dorm...

someday...such a fabulous thing to think about.

so ... i got my camera out today, readying myself to take a picture.

and i do believe it may be broken.

sad day....

but to replace it i think i know what i'm going to get....a seagull twin lens

honestly...what do i need a digital camera for anyway?

it's more fun this way.

my birthday is in about a week...and i think this is what i want.

i walked in the rain today.
and although it was chilly, i found myself comforted.
it reminded me of camp this summer.
and surprisingly enough i was longing for it.
funny how you can want to go back to something that while you were there you just wanted to be home.
i've found myself in lots of situations like that recently.
my heart is just feeling antsy.
i talked to a friend about it yesterday, our hearts are both feeling similar things.
i feel comfortable where i'm at...very comfortable.
and sometimes that scares me.
i want to be in a place where i'm pushed to do, think and feel things that take me outside of my box, my comfort zone and make me grow.
i'm not feeling that right now. it makes my heart sad.i don't want to stay the person i am right now. am i where i'm supposed to be?
at church on sunday neil talked about having courage...funny how his past few messages seem like they're speaking right to me.
i'm sick of God shouting at me. i know there are things i need to say, things i should tell people, the unknown just leaves me frightened. but that's where sunday's message hit me....i need to use some of this courage God has for me to use...
gah...

i need a few boosts of encouragement today.
the coffee isn't sustaining me.
today has been ridiculous, and i would love to be able to go home for the weekend.
but...i cannot.
having a job is lovely and all ... but honestly i could do without it.
i would just like to have a couple days to pull the reins back in and calm my heart.
i am in severe need of some quality God time.
i feel like all my time this week has been soaked up by some huge monster sponge.
i feel like i never get to see the people i love, and when i do see them i'm so frazzled from being busy all day that all i do is bitch at them.
not cool...not cool.
i am in need of some family lovin'...shoot even spring hill lovin' would be grand right now.
...........
well there you go.
that's how i feel today.
selfish as you can see...and whiney.
there ya go. it could only get better, right?

today i was able to have dinner with my very best friend.
and i am so thankful.
i haven't laughed til there were tears in way too long.
i love finding new aspects of Christ just through our conversations.
seriously, this evening has brightened my whole week...
and it's been a pretty bleak one.

gah!
i need to get out more.
and maybe a chance needs to be taken once in a while...
maybe change won't be such a bad thing...

sunflowers and textbooks

i feel as if i've been distracted this entire week.
my heart and head are scatterred and it's preventing me from completing my schoolwork as well as i could be.
but in the grand scheme of things...schoolwork is of minimal importance.
you may not agree. but that is how i feel right now.
i am physically here at school, but i don't feel like my heart is in it. and i just don't know what to make of that.

last weekend was lovely.
if everyday of my week was as relaxing as this weekend was i would be perfectly content.
i spent the majority of my day on saturday with my mom and sister and i grow more and more appreciative of them everyday. they make sense to me. i don't have to continually worry about how they really feel about me and being with them seems to recharge me. i wish i had someone here at school with me that was like that.
i also got to spend time this weekend with my dearest friend bekah brown. i wish everyone was as understanding/encouraging/graceful as she is with me. it always seems as if we're struggling with the exact same things whenever we get together.
i am so thankful for friendships that i can just sit and be with someone, without pointless words and small talk.
right now i feel like God is trying to pull me into something that is out of my control and i am being resistant. if i take the step i feel like He wants me to take a whole lot could change and i would have to say some things that have been spinning around in my head for months now. i know that in Christ i have strength but everything about this situation scares me.
gah.
this is hard. life is taking some turns....
i thought that i liked change, now i'm not so sure.

hey...remember that time...

one of my favorite things about people is those times ... sometimes few and far between... that you see them act out who they really are when they think no one is looking...it gives me hope that we haven't all tried to grow up too fast.
this weekend i ventured to chicago with some good friends to take part in the renegade craft fair. and even though it rained all of saturday (and basically all weekend) this weekend trip far exceeded my expectations. i experienced and witnessed more joy in those two days than i have in a while. my heart is waking up again.
the trip back home threw us for a bit of a loop. what should've been a 3-4 hour trip took roughly 8 hours. we left at 2:30ish and got back to muncie at 10:30ish. thankfully the drive back was enjoyable...i wish all of my weekends were filled with experiences like this.

mmmmhhhmmmm.

today i realized how much i love tuesdays.
not having class til 2 provides much time for relaxation...and oatmeal!!!!
chelsea and i ventured to the great beyond known as lafollette to enjoy some good ol' buffet breakfast and just to let you in on a little secret, they have some quality oatmeal over there.
nothing like hot breakfast cereal to start the day off right.

i've recently been conditioning myself to enjoy talking on the phone...i've kind of hated talking on the phone for a while now but i'm trying to grow out of it.
today i realized how much i love voicemails though. they're like a hidden treasure at the end of a long class.

the roommate and i have been spending the last few days brushing up on some freaks and geeks.
if you've never had the pleasure of witnessing the glory of this short-lived tv show i implore you to please do yourself a favor and check it out.
i have a bit of a crush...bill haverchuck is such a dreamboat.
mmmmmhhhmmm.

times they gotta change...but so do we.

there are things on my mind right now that are successfully preventing me from being able to concentrate on a paper that needs to be completed. my heart has felt heavy for the past few weeks and it's beginning to drain me. the heaviness, though, is not so much a gloomy sort of heavy, it's more weighed down by the possiblities of the coming year and things that God is planning to stretch in me. it's scary to think of sometimes but thoughts of what could be often bring a smile to my face.
i've recently found myself becoming somewhat antisocial and i'm not quite sure what that's all about. i love people and hearing their stories and making new friends but i find myself being content with being alone. i don't think that it's so much a desire to have alone time, i think it's more me thinking that i should spare people the trouble of getting to know me because i'm not truly that interesting anyways. Either way...


i'm sitting upon my bed which is conveniently positioned in such a way that is prime for people watching, usually i find this to be quite enjoyable...people are funny sometimes, but i just watched someone litter and it made my heart ache a bit. there is a trash can a mere 4 yards away...oh well.

today marks a month until my 20th birthday, mildly exciting, right?