good day, sunshine.

hello, dear friends.
it seems that today i've stumbled over what seems to be a moment of clarity for me.
i've recently (in the past year or so) really been struggling with my faith. and how to be closer to Christ and follow after him. you see, i've grown up in a conservative, exclusive church where, although we called ourselves "christians" we seemed to have adopted the view that good works will get us into heaven, despite poor motives and various other blind spots.
it's been very hard for me to shake off this critical eye that seemed to run rampant back home, quietly judging everyone we pass by. during my senior year my heart became very weary of this accepted way of living. it was becoming harder and harder for me to see how we could call ourselves christians while we were acting in a way that was no where near Christ-like. this new view that i had was somewhat shaped by the way my friends and family had so frequently been treated by members of the church. it hurt me to see my friends hurting and know that i was exactly like the ones hurting them.
something has been moving in my heart ever since that first day when i noticed this underlying doctrine i had grown up with was so off base. although in the past couple years here in muncie i can say that i've learned and grown in my faith there has always been a bit of a cloud hanging over my head, questioning what this faith really meant to me. what my drive in life truly was. could i honestly say i was a follower of Christ?
thankfully, in the past couple weeks my heart is finding answers to these questions it's been toiling over. yes, i am a follower of Christ, a clumsy, selfish sometimes blind follower, who so badly wants to be a better representation of the one i call Savior. God is my only hope, i can no longer depend on these selfish hopes that are only driven by my want for recognition and status. i can no longer look at hurting people and idly walk by. please hold me accountable to this, if you see me screw up tell me, i can't grow without learning from my mistakes. please pray for me, that i be willing to let things in my life change. on this most beautiful of days, my lovely friends, i leave you with this:

"we could not understand any words except alleluia,which i'm starting to think anyhow is about the only word worth knowing"

-mewithoutyou

obadiah?

i've been thinking a lot recently. (i know...surprising, right?)
about how i wish i was a different person, maybe a better version of myself?
i think i'm pretty lazy sometimes. not in common areas of laziness, i'm industrious at work, i do my school work, i clean up after myself (most of the time), but...i real lazy in relationships.
i find myself thinking that the relationships i have are enough, how many more friends do i really need?...
gah...really. who do i think i am?
as you can see, i'm pretty selfish in my relationships. i need to change that.
i hope God works on my heart this semester.
maybe that's my goal, to be willing to let God change me. stop resisting.
i need to be more giving with my time, i tend to hold back my time off all to myself...i need someone to keep me accountable in this. my heart needs tweaking.
i need to be more surefooted....hm.

recently a very dear friend of mine suggested that i read the book of obadiah. convenient, because it is only a chapter long...my attention did not stray in that short chapter.
i tend to have a pretty negative view of the old testament books. war after war, stubborn people, continually having to be told what to do, reminders after reminders.
before reading this book i decided to get some background information on it, so it didn't just seem like another conflict....this helped immensely.
it's hard to write down all my feelings during/after reading this...i just suggest that you read it for yourself.
i'll leave you with a bit that i found interesting...

"now you will be destroyed completely and filled with shame forever. for you deserted your relatives in Israel during their time of greatest need. you stood aloof, refusing to lift a finger to help when foreign invaders carried off their wealth and cast lots to divide up Jerusalem. you acted as if you were one of Israel's enemies. you shouldn't have done this! .... the day is near when I, the Lord will judge the godless nations! as you have done to Israel, so it will be done to you. all your evil deeds will fall back on your own heads."

-obadiah 11-12, 15

"welcome to the human race" -dr. rarick

if you haven't noticed...it's snowing today.
and where this may grate on some people's nerves it has made me quite happy.
i don't really think that it truly snowed at home all of christmas break, and this admittedly was a bit upsetting. as much as the cold can be no fun, i think snow is absolutely wonderful. it makes everything look so much more ... hmm.... whymsical? that is until it gets dirty and stained with mud...but we'll leave that notion for another day.

today has been a great wednesday, thus far. in my anthropology class we talked about aliens, ghosts and delorean's...well that's all i remember us talking about. then there was accounting (i think the business building here at ball state is the most depressing building on the entire campus. ugh...). and then i had philosophy, which i already love and i've only had it twice. my professor is hilarious. he speaks very slowly, pausing often, and i can tell he's one of those people that only speaks when things need to be said, and i admire that. oh and there's the fact that he fell off a roof when he was 9 and as a result sometimes is left without the ability to talk, how many people can say that? honestly...
then i have art history, which if i didn't have this class with my roommate and if the professor wasn't mr. tumnus, would be such a bore. oh the wonders that ball state contains....

so, it's new years day. i haven't set any resolutions.
none that i haven't had in mind for a number of months.
i still want to be more honest. and make sure that the people i'm surrounded by know how much they mean to me. i want to be less selfish. i want to learn.
i don't really think that new years day holds much significance for me.
i didn't stay up to watch the ball drop last night. i was watching a movie with my family, and i hadn't been feeling well all day. so i fell asleep.
one of my closest friends is moving to virginia with her husband very soon. my heart's still a bit sad from this. i'm determined to write her letters though. i'm still frightened that we're old enough to be married and moving away from home.
i feel like all of my posts are beginning to blend together. they all seem to sound the same.
maybe that will be my new years resolution, to change this nonsense up.

there's a place...a place where i picture myself

days like today make me so weary of living in the country.
it's beautiful, at times, don't get me wrong. i just don't think that i feel at home here, anymore anyways. i so badly want to be surrounded by people. where i can see life going on around me, and be reassured once again that there is life outside of this small town. muncie would even be enough for me right now. i'm in that stage of break where i'm so ready to be back at school.

but i know i should be enjoying break. i just wish i could come up with something to do that kept my mind from sleeping that didn't involve me needing a vehicle to get there. ah well. there's always tomorrow, right?
but what about today? today still has potential...am i just ignoring it?

quadratic formula

rainy. rainy with a high near 60.
what a strange day for december.
as i sit here watching "you've got mail" with my beautiful mother and sister i am still finding this weather so strange. especially when i'm still finding myself to be a bit brooding over the Christmas that wasn't white. awww well. it was still a great Christmas.

but back to the movie. i do not think that i could ever truly become sick of "you've got mail". it's just too charming. although i've never been to new york, this movie made me fall in love with it. oh i can only hope to see this city, so beautifully depicted before my eyes, in person some day.

i made pita bread today. i was a bit leary about how they would turn out, but oh my word, they were something else. warm homemade pita with hummus, what a lovely, perfect dish for a strange december day. i've been cooking/baking a lot since i've been home for break and it's been just wonderful. oh ... you don't even know how happy it makes me.
speaking of my love for cooking, i got some of the greatest gifts for christmas. i guess they weren't really christmas gifts, one of my great uncles had gone to an auction and someone basically gave him a box of stuff that he didn't really need, and in turn he gave this box of stuff to my mother. he had found out that i am living in a house next year at school and that i would be needing various, you know, home stuff. and you will never believe the treasures that were in this mystery box. the usual quirky bowls and plates, and then the goldmine! a vintage grass green double boiler and an owl napkin holder. i wish you could see them, they're better than anything i could've ever purchased in any home interiors store.

on that note, i must go and continue to watch this delightful movie. i hope your christmas was everything you wanted it to be and more. LOVE.

i think that i wish i was a more interesting person.
i wish that i was more of a conversationalist, and that the things i do let myself say wouldn't make me seem so dull.
i've found that when i'm around the people that i want to get to know the very most, the people that i'm most intrigued by i shut myself up for fear that i'm not interesting enough for them.
i wish i could tell some people how intrigued i am by them.
how badly i want to just sit and share a day with them. get to know them.
why are some things so easy to say, but so very hard to do?