good day, sunshine.

hello, dear friends.
it seems that today i've stumbled over what seems to be a moment of clarity for me.
i've recently (in the past year or so) really been struggling with my faith. and how to be closer to Christ and follow after him. you see, i've grown up in a conservative, exclusive church where, although we called ourselves "christians" we seemed to have adopted the view that good works will get us into heaven, despite poor motives and various other blind spots.
it's been very hard for me to shake off this critical eye that seemed to run rampant back home, quietly judging everyone we pass by. during my senior year my heart became very weary of this accepted way of living. it was becoming harder and harder for me to see how we could call ourselves christians while we were acting in a way that was no where near Christ-like. this new view that i had was somewhat shaped by the way my friends and family had so frequently been treated by members of the church. it hurt me to see my friends hurting and know that i was exactly like the ones hurting them.
something has been moving in my heart ever since that first day when i noticed this underlying doctrine i had grown up with was so off base. although in the past couple years here in muncie i can say that i've learned and grown in my faith there has always been a bit of a cloud hanging over my head, questioning what this faith really meant to me. what my drive in life truly was. could i honestly say i was a follower of Christ?
thankfully, in the past couple weeks my heart is finding answers to these questions it's been toiling over. yes, i am a follower of Christ, a clumsy, selfish sometimes blind follower, who so badly wants to be a better representation of the one i call Savior. God is my only hope, i can no longer depend on these selfish hopes that are only driven by my want for recognition and status. i can no longer look at hurting people and idly walk by. please hold me accountable to this, if you see me screw up tell me, i can't grow without learning from my mistakes. please pray for me, that i be willing to let things in my life change. on this most beautiful of days, my lovely friends, i leave you with this:

"we could not understand any words except alleluia,which i'm starting to think anyhow is about the only word worth knowing"

-mewithoutyou