who wants breakfast?

so i'm a morning person.
i love waking up early. drinking some hot tea and reading.
maybe on our porch. maybe snuggled under a warm blanket on our couch.
maybe snuggled up next to my husband under the covers.
either way... i usually have to contain my excitement over mornings when i'm around other individuals who may not have the same affections for the early morning hours as i do.
i've learned to manage this pretty well, but sometimes i just can't help it and my excitement explodes. must not be such a bad thing though, because i've found it can be quite contagious.

with this love of mornings comes a deep emotional connection (am i getting dramatic yet?) with breakfast.
eating breakfast, making breakfast, obsessively looking up new breakfast recipes.
yes, that is me... i guess that's passion? sure... we'll go with that.
this morning my dear david and i were chatting over some pb&j stuffed french toast about my love for mornings and breakfast.
and i had a brilliant (at least that's what i'm calling it) idea.
i would love for part of our ministry to be making breakfast for people.
whether it be inviting them over, dropping off some cinnamon rolls or crashing their plans and taking over their kitchen to make them some fabulous waffles and then sharing those same waffles with them.
i would love for that to be part of our lives.
so, hey... invite yourself over, send me a text or whatever. i'd love to make you breakfast.
and share some giggles with you.

the weekend.

my husband and i... we're big proponents for the weekend.
i mean, who isn't, right?
we both usually have early ends to our work days on friday so the possibilities sometimes just seem endless.
during the week we like to dream up big plans for our days off.
projects we want to finish.
tv shows we want to watch.
the ridiculous amount of time we could spend sleeping.
and these plans are all well and good... but by the time friday evening rolls around our weekends usually look completely different than what we had dreamed up.
you see, the thing about me is, when i start dreaming i usually go overboard, and i usually want to stick right with my plans.
ha. jokes on me.
great thing about my husband is, he's teaching me how to be okay with plans changing. with rolling with the punches.
and let's be honest, it's the weekend... there's no punches, it's all just different ways to spend our time.
so yes, my perfect weekend would be spending far too much time cuddling, running every single morning, making breakfast, walking to the farmer's market, spending time being crafty, reading, quiet time, watching movies, eating out far too much and seeing a few friends.
that to me, in my small mind, is perfect.
luckily not all our weekends are like that.
luckily some mornings i just don't want to get up and run.
luckily my husband loves making lunch and dinner, so we don't eat out as much as i would choose to.
luckily, we spend so much time laughing and being ridiculous that we end up not reading.
luckily we are surrounded by so many loving people that we have time with friends every day... sometimes it seems like every hour.
it's just beautiful.
and it's the weekend.
thank God that I don't always get to plan every single aspect of my schedule every day.

marriage. and beautiful community.

it's true. i'm married.
i'm the same woman, with a new last name.
but truly, i'm not the same woman.
the week after our wedding, when i married my best friend, i felt it. felt a shift in my heart. it's something i can't really explain. not unless you know how dark it got last year. unless you know how ugly and parched my heart really was. there were so many tears, so many bitter thoughts, so many snarky texts, so many relationships i ignored.
and yes, it was as ugly as it sounds.
i am lucky. i am blessed.
blessed that my best friend still chose to marry me.
thank God for his patience. thank God that he can see past the ugly right now.
it wakes me up daily... and it woke my heart up three months ago.
that's right. it's been 3 months.
3 months today.
and i know that seems miniscule.
it seems silly for me to even point out this smallest anniversary.
but it isn't just 3 months since we were married.
it's been 3 months since God brought me back to life.
don't get me wrong. i don't want to lead you astray.
it's not solely my marriage. it's not simply the fact that we were married and everything just instantly turned into pleasantville. because it hasn't.
it's been hard. being married is hard.
being truly intimate is hard.
being completely and wholely, broken open honest is hard.
wanting to spend all our time together, but knowing that God has more planned for us than just "us" is hard.
being part of a community is hard.
but it's so heart-breakingly beautiful.
my heart has gone from feeling forgotten, lonely, done, and obliterated to feeling completely renewed.
so thank you.
thank you God, for bringing David and I's stories together, for his heart, for his honesty, for his hugs and love.
thank you David, ... just thank you. i'm crying just sitting here. because i have no words. thank you for not succumbing to all the broken relationships that have come before us, thank you for not accepting "giving up" as an option. just .... thank you.
thank you community, friends, family... for sticking out last year with me. it was hard. we hurt each other, but it has made us better, more beautiful, more holy. i wouldn't have wanted to do that with anyone else.
marriage. community. body of christ. it's all really the same thing.

beautiful.

yesterday was beautiful.
and such a surprise to my heart.
there are some days when things just click... and you can't stop smiling.
i couldn't tell you exactly when or what it was, but my eyes were opened and the smile still hasn't left my face.

you see, there's a part of me that is very judgemental.
i try to ignore that part... get rid of it, but sometimes it still rears it's ugly little head.
david and i were on a little trip to the grocery yesterday to get some stuff to make dinner.
we were simply driving around the parking lot, and there was an open spot in between two cars.
my judgmental heart saw a woman standing next to one of these vehicles smoking and in my head i immediately thought something hurtful and wanted to tell david to move on to another space.
but of course my stupid, ugly heart was wrong.
she smiled at us and moved the cart that was in the spot so that we could park there.
what a wonderfully, kind woman.
after getting out of the car and thanking her for moving the cart her daughter bounded up to her, all smiles and giggles.
she was telling her mom all about the little stuffed bear she just won from the claw machine inside the store...
then she simply turned to me with light in her eyes and joyfully told me all about how she "won this bear!".
she continued by handing me one of those free recipe cards they have in all grocery stores from the bunch that she had collected from inside...
and simply said, "this is for you. see, you won too..."
my face was flushed... i was embarrassed on behalf of my judgement...
but she was so happy and wonderful..
after walking away david grabbed my hand and said, "it's funny, because she's just like you."
in my head i could only think about how impossible that was... my ugly heart didn't look anything like that beautiful little girl's smile...
of course though David says, "she's so happy she just wants everyone around her to be happy... that's you."

and that simple interaction... her simple smile... turned my attitude around.
so thank you... thank you to that beautiful mother who i so selfishly judged.
you are raising a daughter that knows how to see joy and capture it.
you are doing a wonderful job, you are a wonderful mother.
i wish i had told her that.

auto-pilot

it's been a rough couple of weeks.
a rough few months...
i haven't done any sort of blogging recently. i don't feel like i've done much recently that involves creativity or deep thought.
i sort of feel like i've been on auto-pilot with myself.
waiting for the next thing to happen.
i can easily say that i haven't really been living for a while.
it's easy to get used to routine.... and then fail to care about much else.
but things are changing.... at least i'm assuming that's why living has felt so much harder this week.
change is a good thing.. i keep trying to convince myself of this.
thankfully, even though i've been on auto-pilot i haven't stopped listening and seeking for words of those that are far wiser than me...
and that's why i'm here today to share with you some words of wisdom from one of my very favorites...

from the beautiful Ann Voskamp
"when it is hardest - that is when you sing the loudest. the devil flees at a hymn"
...
"abandon the worries ... and abide in the Word
abandon the fears... and abide in the Father
abandon the hurts... and abide in his Heart
abandon the cares... because Christ will never abandon you..."

thank God for those beautiful words... now i just need to continue to repeat them to myself.

whispers of something else...

one thing that i greatly appreciate about my job.... it's brought me to a place where i have a deep appreciation for my days off...
my days off may look a bit different than most other people's.
whereas most people enjoy a good sleepin'-in... i prefer to savor my mornings.. so yes, i could stay in bed until noon, but i'd much rather wake up early... and give myself time to collect my thoughts, eat breakfast with my roommate and enjoy not being at work so early.
i am also growing to realize that God has been moving in my heart and head so much on my days off.
actually giving myself the time and space to think about life, and where i am in the midst of it has done wonders for my heart. these are moments and days when God whispers to me about the passions that stir my heart... and today is no different.
something you should know about me is that if you would've asked me 3 years ago i would've told you that i don't like kids. that they terrify me, and that i don't really plan on having them...
then i became part of a thriving community here in muncie and saw healthy families in every day life and realized that there are so many parts of my heart that desire nothing more than to be a mom.... but don't tell anyone... i'm still growing and learning about this part of me.. because it surprised me too.
but today.. and in the past year i have desired so much to be a mom. to see how God could extend grace to a community through my family like has happened in my own life. i want to be a part of opening peoples' eyes to see that healthy and loving families do exist. it is possible to live in a family that acts out the grace that God extends to us daily. i desire to adopt and be part of God's redemption in the heart of a child that may have felt cast out.
just talking about this gives me all kinds of goosebumps...
so you see.. God is constantly growing and changing..
you just have to give Him the time and room to whisper to you...

that's all i really need to say...

this has been an interesting week... to say the least.
two of my dear friends have been in the middle of the worst week of their lives.
it's hard to imagine what it must feel like to have your three week old baby girl in a struggle for her life. a struggle that you in no way can fix. i can't imagine the guilt and insecurities that rear their ugly little heads when a situation like this explodes. my dear friends carl & carolyn have been in the hospital with their 3-week old baby girl this week. this sweet baby girl has meningitis, and in this struggle that not even the most loving, knowledgeable, gifted parent can fix.
it's crazy though what can stem from events like this. this darling little girl, this beautiful baby has brought together the church (specifically in my little muncie community) together in an amazing way. it's crazy how God answers prayer. it's crazy how he knows us and loves us so much better than anyone ever could.
and through all this... this week of uncertainty, terror, tears and pain i have been learning so much. this little baby girl and my Jesus are teaching my heart so much. i have learned and experienced the beauty of community in crisis. seen the rising up of gifts and love when they are needed most. the beauty of hearts that are fighting for love. i am learning the importance of praying continually, and experiencing how truly life-giving it is... not only for this sick little girl... but this dead, hard heart in my chest. i am thankful... so thankful... for the tears in my eyes... the pain in my chest... the hands i can hold... the prayers that are sometimes more screamed and cried than peacefully said. God knows our hearts... can hear our tearful moans and mumbles perfectly... and for that.. for that i will say my God is perfect. my God is greater than the muck of this world we are in. thank God....
thank God....
that's all i can say these days it seems like..
but of course....
that's all i really need to say.

i think zoos make me a little sad.
the gorillas always look pissed...
the lions just wanna be playful...
the elephants just want to throw peanuts at everyone...(right)
and if i've learned anything from my studies (a.k.a. watching the movie "madagascar")
they all really just want to be let free...
i was just reading a post from one of my favorite bloggers about her family's trip to the zoo ...
and as cute as all that is.... the animals just look so sad.

but seriously...they're so cute... lookin' like little kittens ...
http://taza-and-husband.blogspot.com/

crack in the vase.

i'm broken.
some days that is much more obvious than others.
i hate the way my heart feels when i know that i've messed up.
i hate knowing that i've failed.
i hate feeling like i've let people down... especially those that i love so much...
i hate knowing that i'm so far from perfect.

but even all these things are good.
because i know that God knows these things about me.
He knows these things and doesn't see them.
He knows we're shipwrecks...
and that's why He's given us each other...
today my friends are a clear picture of God's grace.

thank God.....

dreams...

some things you should know about me...

• i love my job
• i love getting to interact with so many people every day
• i love that my major (hospitality & food management) fit me perfectly
• i love providing people with one of their most basic needs
• i hope that i will be involved with hospitality & food production for the rest of my life
• there isn't much that brings me more joy than baking a plate of cookies for beautiful people
• i very much hope that someday i can do this with my church... open a bakery, that is.

these are all things that i dream about... things that float through my head all the time..
what kind of dreams do you have?
what kind of gifts did God give you that make you all sorts of passionate?
don't forget these dreams that you once got misty-eyed over... God placed those dreams in your heart and head for a reason.

my heart beats for this

it's hard to say how i've felt these last few weeks.
i think i've been putting on a real good act... like i'm thoroughly enjoying this summer.
but if you're around me for any extended period of time... you know.
you know... that i haven't been myself.
and it's been hard for me to figure out why.
this past week though, i've realized some things.

this transition from being a college student to being a graduate is difficult. and this difficulty is magnified when you're surrounded by your friends that will continue to attend school in the fall. yes, i'm a bit jealous. there is a certain safety-net that surrounds college students. not much is expected of you.... but when you graduate there are so many questions. "where are you working? what are you planning on doing? you're staying in muncie? why?" and that's exhausting ... so for you asking questions... yes, i do know what i'm doing. i am staying in muncie. for reasons that most people would shake their head at. i have a family here. a family, and so many untouched hearts in hurting college students that i know God has a plan for me to bring hope to. and yes, i know there isn't much money in that... but please tell me, when was the last time your pay check made you jump for joy or cry happy tears? because i can tell you the job i will be doing will be making me more joyful than words could ever describe.
community is why i will be sticking around. community is what God used to pick my messy heart up as a freshman and make me realize how whole i could truly be. community is what makes desperate, lonely, searching hearts feel at home. and once you've experienced that you know that there isn't true life outside of community. you know that God built your heart for this.
so please, instead of your disappointed looks and sarcastic questions, please ask me with interest what my hopeful future in college ministry will look like. i have countless stories i could tell you... and i will laugh and cry... but it's good to feel this way about something.

"however, community is first of all a quality of the heart. it grows from the spiritual knowledge that we are alive not for ourselves but for one another. community is the fruit of our capacity to make the interests of others more important than our own. the question, therefore, is not 'how can we make community?' but 'how can we develop and nurture giving hearts?' "
-henri nouwen

so i said i'd blog more...
i haven't done a great job of that...
i'll try and get my act together :)
my heart is adjusting i think.
the past two summers i've spent in Virginia Beach, living a summer fully dedicated to Jesus and the Gospel....
the adjustment comes in the fact that i haven't made that transition to the place where my heart feels most at home during the summer...
i'm not surrounded by new friends at the beach...
i'm not holding hands with my dearest friend Karin...
but God is preparing me for something....
for bigger transitions...
and He has so much to teach me this summer...
and i think i'm excited about that... i think...

oh... nice to see you again

...i haven't blogged in a while.
mostly because it was hard for me to gather the encouraging words that i usually fill my posts with.
this semester was ridiculous....
ridiculously stressful.
i cried more this semester than i probably have in my entire life...
but i've grown.... and i know that.
God is good... and my heart is still enthralled with his love and his continual pursuit of me..
i don't have much to say right now...
other than ... i have the summer before me...
and that is almost too much potential for me to handle...
so far it's been perfect... despite the waking up at 5:10am the past two days (and the rest of the summer) to go to work..
but do you wanna know a secret... i think i might love my job...
keep in mind it is day 2...
but with so many of my favorite things combined it's hard to believe that i will get too tired of it...
my goal this summer is to blog more...
we'll see where that goal takes me...

this is the good word today....and everyday...

today... didn't really start out that great.

my heart didn't feel all that wonderful.

i didn't feel like myself, and i couldn't seem to get a real smile on my face.

if you know me, that isn't a normal occurrence.

i knew that i needed something...

and of course that something was some alone time with my Jesus.

i haven't been very good this week about stepping away from the busy-ness of my life.

but today opened up, and so Jesus and I had a little coffee date.

and my heart felt alive again.

it's funny how my heart can so quickly be overflowing when only a few hours earlier it had felt all dried up... so thank God....

it really was only from him...

so here is a little something of how my heart is feeling...

"on your feet now - applaud God!

bring a gift of laughter, sing yourselves into his presence.

know this: God is God, and God, God!

He made us; we didn't make him.

we're his people, his well-tended sheep.

enter with the password: 'thank you!'

make yourselves at home, talking praise

thank him! worship him!

for God is sheer beauty,

all-generous in love,

loyal always and ever."

psalm 100 (the message)

confessions...

i do enjoy a diet coke every once in a while. silly carbonation...

i love wasting time with my dear friend ashley...

i just want to create all day... and not do my school work.

i love people.... and the people around me give me butterflies...

muncie, indiana has stolen my heart, and when people laugh about staying in muncie after graduation i get kinda angry...

i love spicy foods...like make your nose run and eyes water spicy...

i enjoy a good beer...wanna enjoy one together someday?

i'm attempting to memorize more scripture...attempting....

i love the winter...or at least this week.

the kitchen is calling my name...

something you should know about me:

these last couple days of wintry weather have made me want to spend most of my time in the kitchen...

yesterday, i looked forward to making homemade chili and cornbread all day.

and then i got to share it with some of the people that are dearest to me...

what shall i make today?

from: The Nesting Project

i'm thinking these heart shaped biscuits would be lovely...

all of this to say...

it is hard for me to not dream of what my kitchen will look like some day.

bright colors, chalkboard paint, so many cook books, aprons...

the list could go on and on...

but we should stop because you're gonna lose me in dreamland...

so on this very cold, yucky day how are you going to be caring for those around you?

making some heart-shaped biscuits? washing some dishes? making some hot chocolate?

cuddling with them?

whatever it is... make sure the ones you live with know that you love them...

and i you..

and i love you....

from: LoveSugar

some days my heart gets a little kick in the pants...

some days i find that there are some points that i don't trust community with...

and that isn't fair...

if i expect the people i call my friends and family to entrust me with their deepest hurts, desires and insecurities i should trust them with mine...

so i am broken...

but i'm trying to learn and grow and be better...

thankfully God is full of second, third and fourth chances...

He knows how messy my life is, and thankfully still loves me ...

oh that I could learn to be like Him...

just know that I am trying each day, and it gets a little more difficult each day...

"When it comes to friendships, I experience a curious combination of respect and fear. I respect people simply because they are human beings. But I also respect them for what God has done in them - who He has made them to be. If God cared enough to make that person, to have a call on their life, to weep when they weep, then who am I to not care?"

- John M. Perkins, "Follow Me To Freedom"

snow love.

so i here there's some fierce weather coming this way...

and when i hear news surrounding the news i try to ignore it, because i never want to get my hopes up about professors cancelling classes...

but i just got an e-mail from my boss and said that the event i was scheduled to work wednesday at 7:30am got cancelled!!!!

and you know why.... because of this inclement weather we're supposed to be getting!!!

WA-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

i love my job, but 3 days in a row of having to be up before 7am.... that's not exactly something i get super excited about.

i do love me some snow though.

i love it because it usually gives me an excuse to chill inside all day with some tea and read....

and i pray that this week has a morning full of just that.

senior citizens...

my friend meredith and i are basically two old women...

on any given day if we are hanging out we would most likely prefer drinking some hot tea, eating oatmeal, talking about making quilts or walking around hobby lobby...

God made us so similar... we often joke about being the same person.

and i love her...

so much...

funny thing we've only been friends for a little over a year
(we actually had a 1 year anniversary of being friends date last week where we bought each other coffee and bright colored tights)

and although i've only known her for a short time, i consider her my closest friend.

she is darling....and would be embarrassed if she knew i was talking this much about her..

so i'm going to get to what i was actually going to talk about.

quilting.

one of meredith and i's goals for the semester is to make a quilt.

but we are terrible at making decisions.

i keep going back and forth over what i want my quilt to look like....but i think i've finally decided....

it will be a simple pattern with hexagons...

and a combination of navy blue, sky blue and oranges...

now i actually have to just decide on some fabric and start sewing....

mmmm i'm excited.

i need you.

there are some days when i'm ridiculously thankful for those around me.

recently my heart has been real insecure and my friends have been building me up like crazy...

somehow satan still seems to weasel his way in...

barf...

but i read this the other day and i thought it was pretty neat...

"be prepared. you're up against far more than you can handle on your own. take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. learn how to apply them. you'll need them throughout your life. God's word is an indispensable weapon. in the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. pray hard and long. pray for your brothers and sisters. keep your eyes open. keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out."
ephesians 6: 13-18 (the message)

so hey guys... we need each other... just so you know