beautiful.

yesterday was beautiful.
and such a surprise to my heart.
there are some days when things just click... and you can't stop smiling.
i couldn't tell you exactly when or what it was, but my eyes were opened and the smile still hasn't left my face.

you see, there's a part of me that is very judgemental.
i try to ignore that part... get rid of it, but sometimes it still rears it's ugly little head.
david and i were on a little trip to the grocery yesterday to get some stuff to make dinner.
we were simply driving around the parking lot, and there was an open spot in between two cars.
my judgmental heart saw a woman standing next to one of these vehicles smoking and in my head i immediately thought something hurtful and wanted to tell david to move on to another space.
but of course my stupid, ugly heart was wrong.
she smiled at us and moved the cart that was in the spot so that we could park there.
what a wonderfully, kind woman.
after getting out of the car and thanking her for moving the cart her daughter bounded up to her, all smiles and giggles.
she was telling her mom all about the little stuffed bear she just won from the claw machine inside the store...
then she simply turned to me with light in her eyes and joyfully told me all about how she "won this bear!".
she continued by handing me one of those free recipe cards they have in all grocery stores from the bunch that she had collected from inside...
and simply said, "this is for you. see, you won too..."
my face was flushed... i was embarrassed on behalf of my judgement...
but she was so happy and wonderful..
after walking away david grabbed my hand and said, "it's funny, because she's just like you."
in my head i could only think about how impossible that was... my ugly heart didn't look anything like that beautiful little girl's smile...
of course though David says, "she's so happy she just wants everyone around her to be happy... that's you."

and that simple interaction... her simple smile... turned my attitude around.
so thank you... thank you to that beautiful mother who i so selfishly judged.
you are raising a daughter that knows how to see joy and capture it.
you are doing a wonderful job, you are a wonderful mother.
i wish i had told her that.

auto-pilot

it's been a rough couple of weeks.
a rough few months...
i haven't done any sort of blogging recently. i don't feel like i've done much recently that involves creativity or deep thought.
i sort of feel like i've been on auto-pilot with myself.
waiting for the next thing to happen.
i can easily say that i haven't really been living for a while.
it's easy to get used to routine.... and then fail to care about much else.
but things are changing.... at least i'm assuming that's why living has felt so much harder this week.
change is a good thing.. i keep trying to convince myself of this.
thankfully, even though i've been on auto-pilot i haven't stopped listening and seeking for words of those that are far wiser than me...
and that's why i'm here today to share with you some words of wisdom from one of my very favorites...

from the beautiful Ann Voskamp
"when it is hardest - that is when you sing the loudest. the devil flees at a hymn"
...
"abandon the worries ... and abide in the Word
abandon the fears... and abide in the Father
abandon the hurts... and abide in his Heart
abandon the cares... because Christ will never abandon you..."

thank God for those beautiful words... now i just need to continue to repeat them to myself.

whispers of something else...

one thing that i greatly appreciate about my job.... it's brought me to a place where i have a deep appreciation for my days off...
my days off may look a bit different than most other people's.
whereas most people enjoy a good sleepin'-in... i prefer to savor my mornings.. so yes, i could stay in bed until noon, but i'd much rather wake up early... and give myself time to collect my thoughts, eat breakfast with my roommate and enjoy not being at work so early.
i am also growing to realize that God has been moving in my heart and head so much on my days off.
actually giving myself the time and space to think about life, and where i am in the midst of it has done wonders for my heart. these are moments and days when God whispers to me about the passions that stir my heart... and today is no different.
something you should know about me is that if you would've asked me 3 years ago i would've told you that i don't like kids. that they terrify me, and that i don't really plan on having them...
then i became part of a thriving community here in muncie and saw healthy families in every day life and realized that there are so many parts of my heart that desire nothing more than to be a mom.... but don't tell anyone... i'm still growing and learning about this part of me.. because it surprised me too.
but today.. and in the past year i have desired so much to be a mom. to see how God could extend grace to a community through my family like has happened in my own life. i want to be a part of opening peoples' eyes to see that healthy and loving families do exist. it is possible to live in a family that acts out the grace that God extends to us daily. i desire to adopt and be part of God's redemption in the heart of a child that may have felt cast out.
just talking about this gives me all kinds of goosebumps...
so you see.. God is constantly growing and changing..
you just have to give Him the time and room to whisper to you...

that's all i really need to say...

this has been an interesting week... to say the least.
two of my dear friends have been in the middle of the worst week of their lives.
it's hard to imagine what it must feel like to have your three week old baby girl in a struggle for her life. a struggle that you in no way can fix. i can't imagine the guilt and insecurities that rear their ugly little heads when a situation like this explodes. my dear friends carl & carolyn have been in the hospital with their 3-week old baby girl this week. this sweet baby girl has meningitis, and in this struggle that not even the most loving, knowledgeable, gifted parent can fix.
it's crazy though what can stem from events like this. this darling little girl, this beautiful baby has brought together the church (specifically in my little muncie community) together in an amazing way. it's crazy how God answers prayer. it's crazy how he knows us and loves us so much better than anyone ever could.
and through all this... this week of uncertainty, terror, tears and pain i have been learning so much. this little baby girl and my Jesus are teaching my heart so much. i have learned and experienced the beauty of community in crisis. seen the rising up of gifts and love when they are needed most. the beauty of hearts that are fighting for love. i am learning the importance of praying continually, and experiencing how truly life-giving it is... not only for this sick little girl... but this dead, hard heart in my chest. i am thankful... so thankful... for the tears in my eyes... the pain in my chest... the hands i can hold... the prayers that are sometimes more screamed and cried than peacefully said. God knows our hearts... can hear our tearful moans and mumbles perfectly... and for that.. for that i will say my God is perfect. my God is greater than the muck of this world we are in. thank God....
thank God....
that's all i can say these days it seems like..
but of course....
that's all i really need to say.

i think zoos make me a little sad.
the gorillas always look pissed...
the lions just wanna be playful...
the elephants just want to throw peanuts at everyone...(right)
and if i've learned anything from my studies (a.k.a. watching the movie "madagascar")
they all really just want to be let free...
i was just reading a post from one of my favorite bloggers about her family's trip to the zoo ...
and as cute as all that is.... the animals just look so sad.

but seriously...they're so cute... lookin' like little kittens ...
http://taza-and-husband.blogspot.com/

crack in the vase.

i'm broken.
some days that is much more obvious than others.
i hate the way my heart feels when i know that i've messed up.
i hate knowing that i've failed.
i hate feeling like i've let people down... especially those that i love so much...
i hate knowing that i'm so far from perfect.

but even all these things are good.
because i know that God knows these things about me.
He knows these things and doesn't see them.
He knows we're shipwrecks...
and that's why He's given us each other...
today my friends are a clear picture of God's grace.

thank God.....

dreams...

some things you should know about me...

• i love my job
• i love getting to interact with so many people every day
• i love that my major (hospitality & food management) fit me perfectly
• i love providing people with one of their most basic needs
• i hope that i will be involved with hospitality & food production for the rest of my life
• there isn't much that brings me more joy than baking a plate of cookies for beautiful people
• i very much hope that someday i can do this with my church... open a bakery, that is.

these are all things that i dream about... things that float through my head all the time..
what kind of dreams do you have?
what kind of gifts did God give you that make you all sorts of passionate?
don't forget these dreams that you once got misty-eyed over... God placed those dreams in your heart and head for a reason.