who wants breakfast?

so i'm a morning person.
i love waking up early. drinking some hot tea and reading.
maybe on our porch. maybe snuggled under a warm blanket on our couch.
maybe snuggled up next to my husband under the covers.
either way... i usually have to contain my excitement over mornings when i'm around other individuals who may not have the same affections for the early morning hours as i do.
i've learned to manage this pretty well, but sometimes i just can't help it and my excitement explodes. must not be such a bad thing though, because i've found it can be quite contagious.

with this love of mornings comes a deep emotional connection (am i getting dramatic yet?) with breakfast.
eating breakfast, making breakfast, obsessively looking up new breakfast recipes.
yes, that is me... i guess that's passion? sure... we'll go with that.
this morning my dear david and i were chatting over some pb&j stuffed french toast about my love for mornings and breakfast.
and i had a brilliant (at least that's what i'm calling it) idea.
i would love for part of our ministry to be making breakfast for people.
whether it be inviting them over, dropping off some cinnamon rolls or crashing their plans and taking over their kitchen to make them some fabulous waffles and then sharing those same waffles with them.
i would love for that to be part of our lives.
so, hey... invite yourself over, send me a text or whatever. i'd love to make you breakfast.
and share some giggles with you.

the weekend.

my husband and i... we're big proponents for the weekend.
i mean, who isn't, right?
we both usually have early ends to our work days on friday so the possibilities sometimes just seem endless.
during the week we like to dream up big plans for our days off.
projects we want to finish.
tv shows we want to watch.
the ridiculous amount of time we could spend sleeping.
and these plans are all well and good... but by the time friday evening rolls around our weekends usually look completely different than what we had dreamed up.
you see, the thing about me is, when i start dreaming i usually go overboard, and i usually want to stick right with my plans.
ha. jokes on me.
great thing about my husband is, he's teaching me how to be okay with plans changing. with rolling with the punches.
and let's be honest, it's the weekend... there's no punches, it's all just different ways to spend our time.
so yes, my perfect weekend would be spending far too much time cuddling, running every single morning, making breakfast, walking to the farmer's market, spending time being crafty, reading, quiet time, watching movies, eating out far too much and seeing a few friends.
that to me, in my small mind, is perfect.
luckily not all our weekends are like that.
luckily some mornings i just don't want to get up and run.
luckily my husband loves making lunch and dinner, so we don't eat out as much as i would choose to.
luckily, we spend so much time laughing and being ridiculous that we end up not reading.
luckily we are surrounded by so many loving people that we have time with friends every day... sometimes it seems like every hour.
it's just beautiful.
and it's the weekend.
thank God that I don't always get to plan every single aspect of my schedule every day.

marriage. and beautiful community.

it's true. i'm married.
i'm the same woman, with a new last name.
but truly, i'm not the same woman.
the week after our wedding, when i married my best friend, i felt it. felt a shift in my heart. it's something i can't really explain. not unless you know how dark it got last year. unless you know how ugly and parched my heart really was. there were so many tears, so many bitter thoughts, so many snarky texts, so many relationships i ignored.
and yes, it was as ugly as it sounds.
i am lucky. i am blessed.
blessed that my best friend still chose to marry me.
thank God for his patience. thank God that he can see past the ugly right now.
it wakes me up daily... and it woke my heart up three months ago.
that's right. it's been 3 months.
3 months today.
and i know that seems miniscule.
it seems silly for me to even point out this smallest anniversary.
but it isn't just 3 months since we were married.
it's been 3 months since God brought me back to life.
don't get me wrong. i don't want to lead you astray.
it's not solely my marriage. it's not simply the fact that we were married and everything just instantly turned into pleasantville. because it hasn't.
it's been hard. being married is hard.
being truly intimate is hard.
being completely and wholely, broken open honest is hard.
wanting to spend all our time together, but knowing that God has more planned for us than just "us" is hard.
being part of a community is hard.
but it's so heart-breakingly beautiful.
my heart has gone from feeling forgotten, lonely, done, and obliterated to feeling completely renewed.
so thank you.
thank you God, for bringing David and I's stories together, for his heart, for his honesty, for his hugs and love.
thank you David, ... just thank you. i'm crying just sitting here. because i have no words. thank you for not succumbing to all the broken relationships that have come before us, thank you for not accepting "giving up" as an option. just .... thank you.
thank you community, friends, family... for sticking out last year with me. it was hard. we hurt each other, but it has made us better, more beautiful, more holy. i wouldn't have wanted to do that with anyone else.
marriage. community. body of christ. it's all really the same thing.

beautiful.

yesterday was beautiful.
and such a surprise to my heart.
there are some days when things just click... and you can't stop smiling.
i couldn't tell you exactly when or what it was, but my eyes were opened and the smile still hasn't left my face.

you see, there's a part of me that is very judgemental.
i try to ignore that part... get rid of it, but sometimes it still rears it's ugly little head.
david and i were on a little trip to the grocery yesterday to get some stuff to make dinner.
we were simply driving around the parking lot, and there was an open spot in between two cars.
my judgmental heart saw a woman standing next to one of these vehicles smoking and in my head i immediately thought something hurtful and wanted to tell david to move on to another space.
but of course my stupid, ugly heart was wrong.
she smiled at us and moved the cart that was in the spot so that we could park there.
what a wonderfully, kind woman.
after getting out of the car and thanking her for moving the cart her daughter bounded up to her, all smiles and giggles.
she was telling her mom all about the little stuffed bear she just won from the claw machine inside the store...
then she simply turned to me with light in her eyes and joyfully told me all about how she "won this bear!".
she continued by handing me one of those free recipe cards they have in all grocery stores from the bunch that she had collected from inside...
and simply said, "this is for you. see, you won too..."
my face was flushed... i was embarrassed on behalf of my judgement...
but she was so happy and wonderful..
after walking away david grabbed my hand and said, "it's funny, because she's just like you."
in my head i could only think about how impossible that was... my ugly heart didn't look anything like that beautiful little girl's smile...
of course though David says, "she's so happy she just wants everyone around her to be happy... that's you."

and that simple interaction... her simple smile... turned my attitude around.
so thank you... thank you to that beautiful mother who i so selfishly judged.
you are raising a daughter that knows how to see joy and capture it.
you are doing a wonderful job, you are a wonderful mother.
i wish i had told her that.

auto-pilot

it's been a rough couple of weeks.
a rough few months...
i haven't done any sort of blogging recently. i don't feel like i've done much recently that involves creativity or deep thought.
i sort of feel like i've been on auto-pilot with myself.
waiting for the next thing to happen.
i can easily say that i haven't really been living for a while.
it's easy to get used to routine.... and then fail to care about much else.
but things are changing.... at least i'm assuming that's why living has felt so much harder this week.
change is a good thing.. i keep trying to convince myself of this.
thankfully, even though i've been on auto-pilot i haven't stopped listening and seeking for words of those that are far wiser than me...
and that's why i'm here today to share with you some words of wisdom from one of my very favorites...

from the beautiful Ann Voskamp
"when it is hardest - that is when you sing the loudest. the devil flees at a hymn"
...
"abandon the worries ... and abide in the Word
abandon the fears... and abide in the Father
abandon the hurts... and abide in his Heart
abandon the cares... because Christ will never abandon you..."

thank God for those beautiful words... now i just need to continue to repeat them to myself.

whispers of something else...

one thing that i greatly appreciate about my job.... it's brought me to a place where i have a deep appreciation for my days off...
my days off may look a bit different than most other people's.
whereas most people enjoy a good sleepin'-in... i prefer to savor my mornings.. so yes, i could stay in bed until noon, but i'd much rather wake up early... and give myself time to collect my thoughts, eat breakfast with my roommate and enjoy not being at work so early.
i am also growing to realize that God has been moving in my heart and head so much on my days off.
actually giving myself the time and space to think about life, and where i am in the midst of it has done wonders for my heart. these are moments and days when God whispers to me about the passions that stir my heart... and today is no different.
something you should know about me is that if you would've asked me 3 years ago i would've told you that i don't like kids. that they terrify me, and that i don't really plan on having them...
then i became part of a thriving community here in muncie and saw healthy families in every day life and realized that there are so many parts of my heart that desire nothing more than to be a mom.... but don't tell anyone... i'm still growing and learning about this part of me.. because it surprised me too.
but today.. and in the past year i have desired so much to be a mom. to see how God could extend grace to a community through my family like has happened in my own life. i want to be a part of opening peoples' eyes to see that healthy and loving families do exist. it is possible to live in a family that acts out the grace that God extends to us daily. i desire to adopt and be part of God's redemption in the heart of a child that may have felt cast out.
just talking about this gives me all kinds of goosebumps...
so you see.. God is constantly growing and changing..
you just have to give Him the time and room to whisper to you...

that's all i really need to say...

this has been an interesting week... to say the least.
two of my dear friends have been in the middle of the worst week of their lives.
it's hard to imagine what it must feel like to have your three week old baby girl in a struggle for her life. a struggle that you in no way can fix. i can't imagine the guilt and insecurities that rear their ugly little heads when a situation like this explodes. my dear friends carl & carolyn have been in the hospital with their 3-week old baby girl this week. this sweet baby girl has meningitis, and in this struggle that not even the most loving, knowledgeable, gifted parent can fix.
it's crazy though what can stem from events like this. this darling little girl, this beautiful baby has brought together the church (specifically in my little muncie community) together in an amazing way. it's crazy how God answers prayer. it's crazy how he knows us and loves us so much better than anyone ever could.
and through all this... this week of uncertainty, terror, tears and pain i have been learning so much. this little baby girl and my Jesus are teaching my heart so much. i have learned and experienced the beauty of community in crisis. seen the rising up of gifts and love when they are needed most. the beauty of hearts that are fighting for love. i am learning the importance of praying continually, and experiencing how truly life-giving it is... not only for this sick little girl... but this dead, hard heart in my chest. i am thankful... so thankful... for the tears in my eyes... the pain in my chest... the hands i can hold... the prayers that are sometimes more screamed and cried than peacefully said. God knows our hearts... can hear our tearful moans and mumbles perfectly... and for that.. for that i will say my God is perfect. my God is greater than the muck of this world we are in. thank God....
thank God....
that's all i can say these days it seems like..
but of course....
that's all i really need to say.